ATHLETICS
Vicky Vaporub
Hop, Step, Jump, Skip, Bounce & Tumble
Blessed with freakishly long legs, Vicky Vaporub been at the pinnacle of her sport for ten years and this may be her last chance for an Olympic medal. At both of her previous Olympics she had to retire injured having knocked herself unconscious on a Maximum Headroom sign when entering the stadium. Her coach believes that she has now mastered the art of ducking and has every chance to achieve her dream.
Matt Varnish
Egg and Spoon Race
A new star of British athletics in his first full season of Egg and Spoon, having previously been a Sack Race specialist. In March of this year officials at a meeting in Seville reported that he had tested positive for chewing gum on the spoon, but it was later established that this had been planted by a Taiwanese betting syndicate as an early April Fool prank. The selection of egg for this event remains vital, as Matt is far more comfortable with the brown speckled hen's egg used in Europe than the synthetic pterodactyl eggs that are becoming popular elsewhere. The IOC are expected to make a decision about twenty minutes before the race.

CYCLING
Doreen Bladder
Tricycle Time Trials
One of the more conroversial choices for the British squad, having received her passport just the day before the team was announced. The former Greenland National Champion was an unopposed choice in her discipline, and is expected to also represent Britain in Individual Pursuit with Training Wheels once that is ratified as an Olympic event.

DIVING
John Smith
Running Bomb
Now best known for his TV commercial work, John is expect to comfortably retain the title he won in a 'duck-off' against the clock four years ago